MEDIA: Don’t vote for Andrew Yang, he doesn’t know what a bodega is, he hasn’t voted in a municipal election, he fled the city during the pandemic, he wants to lock away people with mental disorders, he wants to kill Palestinians, he doesn’t know about city policies, oh my God you need to pick someone else
NEW YORKERS: Okay, we’ll vote for Eric Adams
MEDIA: Wait no not him
NEW YORKERS: Since when did we have to rank our candidates
MEDIA: Shit
water is earth juice
The Antidisestablishmentarianist Imaginarium of Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium
elevator music always connotes a world of hurt
Bill Waller Jr., former Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Mississippi and current gubernatorial candidate, says he does not meet alone with any women other than his wife. Rabbi Hillel has a few words to share with him.
Do unto others as you would like
done unto yourself.
You can teach this while standing
on one foot. You can learn this
while standing on one foot,
stand on one foot now.
You keep your hands by your sides,
your eyes level, your words considerate.
Do the same with both feet on the ground.
This is how you live out the Golden Rule,
go to women alone and live it out.
“Oy, boisterous boy, stir oysters!”
“And over there is where
Bill Clinton stuffed a Lego
up his nose.”
Light a blue candle after sundown.
Turn off all the lights in your house.
Walk into your bathroom and lock
the door, and cover the windows with
blue towels. Stand facing the mirror
with the candle in both hands.
Stare into the mirror for one hour,
then chant, “Blue like my Corvette,
it’s in and outside,” three times.
The ghost of Buddy Holly will crawl
through the mirror and smack you
over the head with his acoustic guitar.
Few men have lived to tell this story.
In the master bedroom of his mansion,
beneath a painting of a gray alien
in a cassock, Marshall Applewhite slept,
his breath gently rolling out through
his nose. His fifteen followers who died
the previous day and his
fifteen followers who died that day
bled and leaked urine into the carpets from
beneath their square purple sheets.
The rest, the last eight, slept on bunk beds.
I keep saying “Medicare” instead of “Medicaid.”
You have to understand, this is a fuck-up,
I’m trying to be a doctor and I can’t be mixing up
forms of healthcare like that every time
I talk to patients. And every time I do mix
Medicare and Medicaid up, my patients leave me.
Hey, I can’t blame them, I mean, if I was
in their shoes, and my doctor was confused on
health insurance, I’d be spooked off. So I do
relate to them. I understand how they, how we,
would be Mediscared away.
“A chemistry is performed so that a chemical reaction occurs and generates a signal from the chemical interaction with the sample, which is translated into a result, which is then reviewed by certified laboratory personnel.”
– Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes
With the Kitchen Sink 